meh

this place has become a bastardized version of what I used to call home
past thoughts are now held contempt
I am neither self righteous or humble
and for as much as I hate this place I hate myself more
I wanted freedom now I've got nothing
and to think I could have prevented most of this
I could have taken a few more seconds to actually think about
my actions
I guess now we just watch everything fall apart until we regain the energy to
pick up the pieces
I have nowhere to go but maybe I'll stumble upon something in the meantime
I feel so lost. I just want to go home.

I wonder why I waited so long to actually think about the future
I figured I'd be alright just playing it by ear
but my hearing's not so great anymore and I can hardly stand up straight.
Day and night both look the same when I cane barely keep my eyes open.
I just want to let the light in
I just want to feel alive again
I should have made some plans
I should have made some fucking plans
Now I stand in the dark not knowing where to go
too weak to run
too tired, too slow
too scared to ask what I should already know

Never felt so at home in a place I've never been before
It's all that really matters to me now
We share the air
we share the floor
My friends are all I've got
this love is all I've got
Hanging on by a thread
but we'll hold on til we're dead
We don't need bread
we don't need wine
just open hearts
and open minds.

offering advice to people with the same problems
lending an ear when you need one yourself
you know every way to mend mind and heart
but to heal your own self you don't know where to start

we are separated by the lengths of a road that doesn't seem straight enough
It's fucked up because I can't sleep until you get here
it seems like weeks I am awake just waiting for you
and if you ever had a clue you knew what i was thinking, you never showed it
and i'm not sure i want you to
if we keep things this way i can't blame you for hurting me
The second I speak up you will walk away and tell yourself "I told you so, I should've known"

sometimes I feel this is indestructible
this melancholy pattern
I can't break it and
I can't turn it off
I can pretend it's alright but only for a while
there are remedies which seem so far away
like solidarity and security of money, time, shelter or
like a love so seemingly perfect but it's out of reach
and I'm constantly finding ways to make it seem easy
but it's not real
like everything else being too good to be true
or whatever's within my grasp
I push away for fear of
wrong decisions
I bought a compass to tell me where to go but it never tells me anything.
I wish there was a guarantee that short term sacrifices secure long term happiness.
but who really knows the truth
I could be doing this all in vein
Are my efforts in vein?
Will this ever really pay off?

fuck.

it's always in the back of your mind
the failures that come along when you sacrifice the only time
you have left for someone who will not matter in a while
you give your love
you give your world
it's a shame you would have never known how jaded you would feel right now
turned off all emotions other than apathy and lethargy
all for the sake of feeling less alone and for a little self worth
and to make believe that love can outlast common misfortunes
dumped out onto the sidewalk like the morning's trash
now it will take an indefinite amount of time until you no longer feel like garbage
now we can restart the cycle

You think this should be easier now at your adult age.
but time heals all wounds and when you've got no time to spare you're left bleeding into the air.
You sulk in waking hours occupied by stress and the inevitable daily routines.
Anxious guilt replaced your social dignity because somehow in your mind this has become your fault
and you're ashamed to admit that you're not really sure who's to blame
When really all you're guilty of is wanting your old life back.
Nothing is familiar anymore.
When I was young my own home was torn in two
but I was fortunately naive to a comforting level.
My anger lay on a soft pillow
but your thoughts rest on a sharp edge of realization and confusion.
Just remember your parents words are not always right
their mistakes are more apparent now
If I'd been more aware I'm sure I'd have lost my own mind like you're about to
but you'll deny this
and hide feelings from friends
because grown men don't cry when mom and dad are fighting.

doubt still lingers
but I've learned to ignore it
the past is irrelevant now
expectations are worthless
wrongdoings are not yours
I've learned how to cope and that knowledge stays with me
our history is set in stone
but the future is our responsibility
let bygones be bygones and let you stay by my side
no use holding back any longer