I did something ballsy today and it didn't turn out as bad as I anticipated. things are shitty, things are awesome. Should I pick up and move to Georgia with some dude who's really awesome but kinda wants to marry me? ehhhhh hopefully he will remember my anti dating me policy. I think I will because it would be really cool to live somewhere warm.
Alicia rules, and tonight was fun.

I got an awesome burrito today.
I hung out with cool dudes. I am now home and entirely too cold.

lonely ones

So, I fuck up a lot, and I'm sorry. I fucked up a lot in the past, and I'm sorry for that, too.


I honestly have the best friends I could ask for right now. I have never felt so appreciated and loved. This summer ultimately was the best one I can ever remember, with the exception of feeling lonely and guilty and dealing with the worst breakup I hopefully will ever have. I am not over it, I probably won't be for a long time, but boy have I learned a lot in trying to deal with it.
I know loneliness very well as now when I try to sleep I shiver and I have no one to grab onto. It's weird living with someone for over two years and then poof one day you no longer have someone to shout goodnight to. For the sake of feeling a little less shitty, I will say it's both our faults. All my anger has seeped out of me, and now I just feel sorta hollow.
I don't believe I am ready to "date" again. I think it would be selfish of me to try to have a serious relationship with someone. I might end up moving soon, who knows. It just sucks because I want to have that special connection again someday. I could kick myself for being impatient. I went all summer being okay with not having that, but now that fall's approaching, all these memories come rushing back to me. Last fall was something strange. Things got better, but essentially they got worse. MAKES SENSE RIGHT? I can't really explain it.
I'd get a dog but I don't even have a residence.

To make matters worse, there are dudes with stupid crushes on me and it doesn't even phase me. I just know the connection isn't there. I don't sincerely believe that physical attraction and having things in common are the sole basis for a relationship. It's a gut feeling. but hey, since I welcome disappointment ever so kindly, it doesn't
really
fucking
matter.


Speaking of hearing things about me, Brandon wrote a new song about his new girlfriend and about how I suck pretty much. It made me feel terrible. I know everyone that hears it will just think I am the worst human being alive. Why am I not mad? because it's mostly truth he speaks, and because I REALLY want him to be happy and have a fulfulling life. I know that I couldn't give him what he wanted and if he has happiness now, I'm really psyched for him. I hear this girl is really nice and really pretty and he needs that. I just wish everything wasn't so one sided.

I realize I'm just a dorky fucking little girl who gets excited over dumb things and hangs out with lots of dudes and is agnostic and straight edge and eats a lot of fruit and doesn't like to wash my clothesand can't really sing well. eharmony gold.

as for happy news, a bunch of friends bands got added to THE FEST and I am going to be there for it which is seriously going to rule.
Dave Aon and Sean and I are starting to write sad songs together this week. Also, my other band with Jaekob and Kenny is hopefully coming to shape as well. I need these things to keep me occupied. P.S. I need a new job because mine blows and I am poor.
I wish I could hang out in Philly and go to shows I want to see and do things that won't get me yelled at.


Love,
Sara G.

I refuse to believe the summer is ending
everyone's gone and cold weather's approaching
this time last year you said you were leaving
to better yourself, that's just what you said
I'd heard it before, and things never changed
I got tired of waiting for you to fill empty promises
this time this year we don't even speak
maybe you're better
or maybe you're not
I don't even know who you are anymore
the cold weather just reminds me of wanting you back
when you decided you weren't good enough for me
at least you were right

sometimes I'm confused about what I meant to you
constantly contradicting yourself
you leave me unsure of my self worth
there was a time I made you happy. at which point did that change?
how can I learn from my mistakes if I don't know what they were?

just vanish from my thoughts, i'm going insane
I know your own thoughts are the same
if you think you found true love then treat her like the one
treat her how you should have treated me
like she's important and her thoughts matter
and tell her you love how she smells
and she's perfect without even trying
when I tried it didn't much matter
I know you were ashamed
but I'm the one to blame
I shouldn't have told you that I'd never leave
now you just think I'm a liar.
Maybe you'd leave me alone in my thoughts if I could
find someone who's nothing like you.

So the other night, Sean, Jesse, and I went to Philly to see Weekend Nachos. We met up with PRS and had a seriously awesome time...ended up at 7th and Mifflin even though I tried and tried to get out of going, but we had a blast. I got wildly tired and slept for an hour next to Leo on the couch as he watched Lord of the Rings and eventually fell asleep with his arm around me which was awkward hah.
I ended up driving from Philly to Kingston to Shamokin to Nanticoke. I don't remember Friday. Last night I met with Jesse after work and he and Dave and I went to the Menzingers and One Win Choice show in Somerset, NJ. It was an awesome time. I made a new dude friend, hung out with lots of awesome dudes, and found out that these freezing cold nights will be the death of me.

Today I visited my gram and she said my hair was adorable. I almost had a heart attack. She never compliments me. I feel like the black sheep sometimes. We had a nice talk and she gave me a nectarine and a birthday card.
I went to my mom's and napped for two hours because today she was hosting the family labor day party. It was really nice. My new niece is the greatest thing in the world.
I'm going to watch What About Bob and maybe the Cable Guy. I wish I had company. I need someone to snuggle and to cook for. I am so bad at this.

I'm trying to stay positive. The poconos have been keeping me together. I'm feeling good for the most part. I think.

I'm afraid to rest my head
what if I never see again?
I'm afraid of the nothingness