holy shit
I feel good right now.
except I feel ugly?
I keep seeing pictures of me and I feel like I have drastically declined in the past year. What the fuck :( I need to go to the gym.

anyway...aside from being poor. things are great. LV fucks rule.
We had our first show. I was so nervous. I think it went well.

I keep finding myself in strange predicaments that were so much easier to deal with when I wasn't single. Not that I never want to be back in the relationship I was in.
I do miss him though. still, for some reason. And I miss the family I once had through him.

I'm way behind.
Let's see-Punxgiving was amazingly fun. vegan food and broken glass. hell yeah. I met awesome people and ate awesome food.
My new job is pretty decent. I get to dress nice and drive a company car. cruiiiising in the VW Beetle with a painted Pink Panther on the side.
I went to Philly this weekend. It wasn't really a good time. Somewhat, I guess. I met some rad dudes and I hung out with Joe Benzon and Sean Ward.
Talking to Joe again is really awesome. I am so glad.
I ate way too much New Harmony buffet.
I felt super uncomfortable for most of the weekend because I realize my lifestyle doesn't quite match that of some of my really good friends. They're just kids that wanna party. I don't really know what I am. Somewhere in between that and wanting to grow up a little. It's way too confusing for my fragile heart and mind and my "wanna be posi" attitude.
Also, tonight, I called Jameso. We talked for the first time in almost a year. I fucking missed him. I am glad to call him my friend again.
I don't know what I'm doing but moving to Allentown seems like such a good idea right now for the fall)
Also, people are really (supposedly) digging my band. :)

NP

1)
I can't say I blame you for hating my guts
but I can say you're crazy.
You've gone fucking nuts.
Your words are harsh and rarely true
Now all I can do is steer clear of you.
Hundreds of miles should be ample distance
for you to not bother me with your existance
You forced me out of your state exiled me from your city
(It's only a matter of time until) everyone knows that you're nothing but shitty.

2
I'm starting fresh
I'm starting new
No more wasting time with you.
You simply don't matter
You're a wuss and a prick
nobody likes you. Why doesn't that click?
You're nothing extraordinary. Actually you're less.
Get it in your head. You're terrible at best.

3
I'm not your conscience
feel guilty if you want to
but let me remind you
the past is done
so fucking get over it
I will never tell you to apologize to me
I've come to terms with the fact that you'll
never know what to say to me
I'm done passing judgement.

4
I stumbled into debt because of stupidity.
I'll blame it on stress, blame it on the humidity
They say my problems stem from deep rooted issues
I'm sick of the stress, sick of the tissues.
Insomnia plagues me
I never feel rested
So finally now I think it's time to get tested.
I lie when it matters
I lie when it doesn't.
I thought it was my fault
They said it wasn't.

5.
you're in love with a devil
and you have no clue
when he steals your heart and soul
I might feel pity for you
I shouldn't feel sorry to those who don't listen
to good advice over intuition
but If I told you this ahead of time
you wouldn't believe me anyway

6. you make your way through life
stealing dreams and taking advantage of everyone
willing to give you everything you ask for
i apologize to myself every day for being so naive
and letting you drag me down
for once i should have listened to everyone else
but since i can't go back now
i'll let you ruin someone else

7. You should be ashamed of yourself
Spitting on girls is nothing to brag about
Your head is a mess
and it might be my fault
but one thing that won't help is simple assault
You made a mess of everything we started
You made a mess of yourself
You made a mess of me
You taught me everything I know
You should be ashamed of yourself

8.What you'd like to hear is that I'm moving away
You want control
You want to see me struggle
It seems you're doing alright for yourself
and I'd be happy for you if you'd quit playing this game
I know your next move better than you do
and it's funny you'll admit that you were wrong
but still hold a fucking grudge
You think peace of mind will come when I'm gone
but you're just putting this off
You'll never manage to find closure
if you can't even see my face without going insane
Just give up already before you make an even bigger fool of yourself


9.I'm not sure what I expected
but it wasn't this
everyday passes by and I can't seem to focus
always looking back instead of moving ahead
If I can make tomorrow count
the rest of my days will fall into place
I know I'm right because I've done it before
Had a lapse in judgement and priority
I let meaningless efforts take their toll on me
I thought I was smarter than that
I guess we all need some time to relax and take a deep breath
Tomorrow's already looking so much brighter than today


10.You'll still be awake while I'm fucking sleeping
I made it further than you out of this hole you dug for us
How does it feel to brag about your meaningful life
when I know it's all bullshit
I know you hate everything
Once you're inside and alone
Your friends mean nothing to you
You only care about yourself
and you barely do that well
How do you want me to feel?
Do you want my congratulations?
or my sympathy?
What do you want me to say?
What do you want me to say?
You mean nothing to me.

New job
Got shows
Made friends
Car's shitting out
No money
Thanksgiving


hell yeah
Josh is the best friend in the entire world

I know your songs aren't meant for me but I like the way your words sound.

I am going to live in Shamokin until May or August and then move to Philadelphia and probably go to CCP. Until summer-worst
after summer-things might be okay for once.

It's either move to Savannah soon or spend months in Shamokin and save to go to college in Philly.

hyftgtoufguio[poihyg

THE FEST
It really is something so good. I've made a ton of awesome friends, I've eaten fucking great vegan food, and watched great bands and sweat a ton. punk rock.

My band has shows. This feels awesome. I need to get a job next week. I need money; I'm so broke. I'm really nervous about moving. Maybe someday I will fall in love again. I'm starting to believe it's possible in the future. ew so sappy of me to say this shit.

pretty muchhhhhhh best week ever.
I've been hanging out in Philly and the end of the week is the fest.
fuck
yes
<3

I've had one of the best weeks ever. Alex has been here and we are having a blast. I hope he goes back to LA feeling satisfied. He's an awesome human, one of the best ever.
Brandon and I have been on decent terms, but for some reason he still gets kinda angry about shit. So, as before when I'd be all "omgz scurrreddd" and shit, now I'm just like "fuck it, I'm happy and I'll do what I want." He can go treat his girl like shit or something. or not. maybe she sucks just as much

I moved home. I'm getting better.
Alex is visiting from LA. we had a great weekend.
I made some awesome new friends.
we'll see what happens.

fuck.

I did something ballsy today and it didn't turn out as bad as I anticipated. things are shitty, things are awesome. Should I pick up and move to Georgia with some dude who's really awesome but kinda wants to marry me? ehhhhh hopefully he will remember my anti dating me policy. I think I will because it would be really cool to live somewhere warm.
Alicia rules, and tonight was fun.

I got an awesome burrito today.
I hung out with cool dudes. I am now home and entirely too cold.

lonely ones

So, I fuck up a lot, and I'm sorry. I fucked up a lot in the past, and I'm sorry for that, too.


I honestly have the best friends I could ask for right now. I have never felt so appreciated and loved. This summer ultimately was the best one I can ever remember, with the exception of feeling lonely and guilty and dealing with the worst breakup I hopefully will ever have. I am not over it, I probably won't be for a long time, but boy have I learned a lot in trying to deal with it.
I know loneliness very well as now when I try to sleep I shiver and I have no one to grab onto. It's weird living with someone for over two years and then poof one day you no longer have someone to shout goodnight to. For the sake of feeling a little less shitty, I will say it's both our faults. All my anger has seeped out of me, and now I just feel sorta hollow.
I don't believe I am ready to "date" again. I think it would be selfish of me to try to have a serious relationship with someone. I might end up moving soon, who knows. It just sucks because I want to have that special connection again someday. I could kick myself for being impatient. I went all summer being okay with not having that, but now that fall's approaching, all these memories come rushing back to me. Last fall was something strange. Things got better, but essentially they got worse. MAKES SENSE RIGHT? I can't really explain it.
I'd get a dog but I don't even have a residence.

To make matters worse, there are dudes with stupid crushes on me and it doesn't even phase me. I just know the connection isn't there. I don't sincerely believe that physical attraction and having things in common are the sole basis for a relationship. It's a gut feeling. but hey, since I welcome disappointment ever so kindly, it doesn't
really
fucking
matter.


Speaking of hearing things about me, Brandon wrote a new song about his new girlfriend and about how I suck pretty much. It made me feel terrible. I know everyone that hears it will just think I am the worst human being alive. Why am I not mad? because it's mostly truth he speaks, and because I REALLY want him to be happy and have a fulfulling life. I know that I couldn't give him what he wanted and if he has happiness now, I'm really psyched for him. I hear this girl is really nice and really pretty and he needs that. I just wish everything wasn't so one sided.

I realize I'm just a dorky fucking little girl who gets excited over dumb things and hangs out with lots of dudes and is agnostic and straight edge and eats a lot of fruit and doesn't like to wash my clothesand can't really sing well. eharmony gold.

as for happy news, a bunch of friends bands got added to THE FEST and I am going to be there for it which is seriously going to rule.
Dave Aon and Sean and I are starting to write sad songs together this week. Also, my other band with Jaekob and Kenny is hopefully coming to shape as well. I need these things to keep me occupied. P.S. I need a new job because mine blows and I am poor.
I wish I could hang out in Philly and go to shows I want to see and do things that won't get me yelled at.


Love,
Sara G.

I refuse to believe the summer is ending
everyone's gone and cold weather's approaching
this time last year you said you were leaving
to better yourself, that's just what you said
I'd heard it before, and things never changed
I got tired of waiting for you to fill empty promises
this time this year we don't even speak
maybe you're better
or maybe you're not
I don't even know who you are anymore
the cold weather just reminds me of wanting you back
when you decided you weren't good enough for me
at least you were right

sometimes I'm confused about what I meant to you
constantly contradicting yourself
you leave me unsure of my self worth
there was a time I made you happy. at which point did that change?
how can I learn from my mistakes if I don't know what they were?

just vanish from my thoughts, i'm going insane
I know your own thoughts are the same
if you think you found true love then treat her like the one
treat her how you should have treated me
like she's important and her thoughts matter
and tell her you love how she smells
and she's perfect without even trying
when I tried it didn't much matter
I know you were ashamed
but I'm the one to blame
I shouldn't have told you that I'd never leave
now you just think I'm a liar.
Maybe you'd leave me alone in my thoughts if I could
find someone who's nothing like you.

So the other night, Sean, Jesse, and I went to Philly to see Weekend Nachos. We met up with PRS and had a seriously awesome time...ended up at 7th and Mifflin even though I tried and tried to get out of going, but we had a blast. I got wildly tired and slept for an hour next to Leo on the couch as he watched Lord of the Rings and eventually fell asleep with his arm around me which was awkward hah.
I ended up driving from Philly to Kingston to Shamokin to Nanticoke. I don't remember Friday. Last night I met with Jesse after work and he and Dave and I went to the Menzingers and One Win Choice show in Somerset, NJ. It was an awesome time. I made a new dude friend, hung out with lots of awesome dudes, and found out that these freezing cold nights will be the death of me.

Today I visited my gram and she said my hair was adorable. I almost had a heart attack. She never compliments me. I feel like the black sheep sometimes. We had a nice talk and she gave me a nectarine and a birthday card.
I went to my mom's and napped for two hours because today she was hosting the family labor day party. It was really nice. My new niece is the greatest thing in the world.
I'm going to watch What About Bob and maybe the Cable Guy. I wish I had company. I need someone to snuggle and to cook for. I am so bad at this.

I'm trying to stay positive. The poconos have been keeping me together. I'm feeling good for the most part. I think.

I'm afraid to rest my head
what if I never see again?
I'm afraid of the nothingness

and in speaking to myself, I must say...
THE PAST IS DONE
GET OVER IT

I don't think you realize how hard it was for me to let you go. we no longer have an anniversary, but that date still shows up everywhere. I can't fall asleep anymore until I'm too tired to even speak or successfully place myself in a suitable position. I miss too many things. You were so warm at night. All I ever wanted was to be honest with you and for you to respect me. I know we're completely different but I often wonder if we could have made it work. I guess right now it's good that we don't talk to each other, but I don't want to have to disappear and I don't want you to feel that it's necessary. I can't understand why you're so concerned about my life when you've obviously moved on. I hope she's perfect and I hope you don't try to change her. I hope over time you'll forget how awful I am.


I should delete this. I am not going to.

I am so destroyed and I shouldn't be. what is my stupid fucking problem. I caused all this shit. fuck me
goddamn if I ever hated myself it's right now.

head is swelling
mind is dwelling

My friends are really fucking cool. I mean it. I love Kingston.
I got to see Derek at this really cool benefit show thing. I wish I could see him more often than at a Phoenix Bodies show. LAME. Anyway, great time.

I could have a lot of things. I could have a lot of things EASILY. I can't have the one thing I want. Did I fuck up? Probably. fuck, I guess I will have to get over it right?

I saw Denali tonight. They were fucking awesome. Overall the night was shitty.'

Oh and two nights this week were amazing.

out of reach

So I didn't call home for a few days and my phone was broken, so my family thought I was missing. I feel awful.
I made falafel tonight, and it was awesome.
I am being different.

holy shit
I want to start writing my snackbook really soon.
I have work in five fucking hours. FUCK.
I didn't get to see sean tonight or hang out for Anna's birthday.
I am going to see Star Trek tomorrow, and I am going to see Madball???? on Sunday then sleep over at Eric's. what
am
I
doing

fuckin A

I forgot that one of the weirdest feelings is reading old stuff I wrote and thinking, "Wow I was/am fucking retarded."
I got myself into a messy situation where I really just am hoping no one decides to talk about me. Things could get different.

I want to cuddle.
I want to not feel crazy.
I want someone to get better and stop being a psychopath.
I want to visit Derek.
I want people to stop falling in love with me.
I want to lose weight.
I want to feel good.
I still want someone to write sad songs with me.
I met someone really cool.

I met some really interesting and awesome people these past couple weeks. Things have been very different, very surprising.
Megan is pretty much the best person in the world I have realized.
I also realized I'm a pretty fucked up person.
I really just want someone to write sad songs with me.

holy shit

four years.
fuck

Beth <3
miss you.

Sunday, April 5th
YOUNG WIDOWS (Temporary Residence)
MY DISCO (from Australia)
DIRT VULTURES
plus TBA
Doors at 6:30pm, show at 7pm
$8 at the door - All ages

I am going to fucking shoot myself.

I'm really sick.
I just watched Arrested Development alone for three hours.

Miso soup

mewithoutyou is so good.
Mt. Fuji sushi is so good.
Karaoke is so good.
I finally know a handfull of girls I don't want to see skullfucked by Jack the Ripper.
Sean Ward is the best dudefriend ever.
I am miserable.
fuck you sad music.
fuck my below zero self-esteem

It's really nice to be around people who have different opinions about things and don't make you feel like shit. I love these people.


I have never felt so completely disgusted by myself. I hope I don't embarrass myself somehow.
Oh and I just got so sick feeling that I threw up. That shit is not supposed to happen.

Electric Feel

I'm getting really excited to be an Aunt. I started planning Audrey's baby shower today.
Tomorrow I get to see mewithoutyou at the Khyber. Probably going to hang out with Christian because why not, and then I will meet Joe to see the show, then perhaps stay the night at Sean's. I need to meet some chicks to be friends with. I need to not spend any money. I need to stop being a depressed little baby.

The heat is back on in my car. fuck yeah.

I have turned into a loser/failure/disappointment.

Goodbye first love.
Hello rest of my goddamn going-to-be-miserable-for-a-while rest of my life.

terminal deity

Everything is even more confusing right now.
I miss Alicia a lot.

476

So today Brandon and I woke up and immediately went to get food since we were starving. I hardly slept last night, so I was pretty tired. Wendy's did NOT have baked potatoes.
I dropped him off and went to Joe Benzon's house, then we went to Jon's house and watched videos and movies all night. It pretty much ruled. I didn't want to leave. I got Brandon after he was done working, we got Subway veggie delights, and headed home on the worst trip ever (snowwwwww ugh) and hated life for three hours. I wanted to stay at his place and venture home in the morning, but of course he didn't want to and whatever he says goes. fuck. I'm a pussy bitch who doesn't like being yelled at.
We got here, turned the heater on, I made awesome cranberry apple hot tea, watched Home Improvement, and now I'm getting ready to sleep. Brandon's on the computer and getting pissy that I'm going to bed without him. Monday is going to be so fucking great-Graf Orlock plus hanging with Joe Benzon, Liam,nand some other awesome people. I start school Tuesday...mannnnn.

I need money.

coming up

This Thursday def going to see mewithoutyou at the Khyber

fuckingfuck

I'm miserable tonight. I'm starving and cold.
That's pretty much it.

It's too cold outside.

Brandon's still here. He's so sick; I hope I don't get sick.
I went to Angelo's for about an hour, but I am pretty poor so spending cash was not an option.
I need to do a few things-
-make chocolate chip cookies for Joe Benzon (hope to see him Saturday or Monday)
-make something for Kevin Hare's birthday just cuz
-go to gram's
-get a job
-make brownies
-buy a small sugar free confection for Liam


I need to write this down since I modified a recipe on paper and don't want to lose it.

Carrot cake

4 eggs
2 cups shredded carrot
2 cups sugar
1 cup vegetable oil
2 cups flour
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
2 tsp cinnamon

beat eggs and sugar
add oil
add sifted dry ingredients
mix in carrots

bake 325 40 minutes

icing

1 lb confectioner's sugar
8 oz cream cheese
1 stick butter
2 tsp maple syrup
1 tbsp brown sugar

sweet

The search goes on

No job, no plans.
I am taking sick-as-a-dog B. home tomorrow. I guess maybe I will just stay there until Saturday. I hope he has work every night.
I've been watching "Bizarre foods with Andrew Zimmern" pretty much all day. He just ate cowskin soup.
I really want an apple right now, but all mine that I left in the car FROZE and they are now appsicles.

Let me tell you, Celestial assorted fruit teas are great. The tangerine orange zinger and the raspberry zinger are pretty awesome.

Civil War

A couple of my favorite pictures from last week -

Also, this is what makes me a nerd.


Alton Brown keeps saying "Dutch Oven" and I keep laughing because I'm a five year old.
Brandon's sick. I feel bad and helpless.

I found an awesome studio apartment in Philly. It's either find a job here or find one there and completely change everything.
FACKK





Tomorrow's To Do List-
-wake up and call DMV for Brandon
-go back to sleep
-get dressed and maybe go to Laundromat because my clothes are fucked
-go to Hotel and apply for job
-send replies to apartments and jobs
-eat La Tolteca with Scott Roseberry and Brandon Setta
-drink too much Green and Passion tea

New beginning

I need to keep track of my life somehow, and my memory fails me often, so I figure I will post pointless things so I can remember without hurting my brain.
This past week has been something else. I did Karaoke for the first time, and I watched a hockey game for the first time (on TV) as well.

I've been trying to decide whether or not I want to take classes this semester. I really need a job. Getting fired is an awful feeling.
I hate this weather, but I have hope that I won't live in shitty Wilkes Barre for too much longer. I'll probably move to Philly soon, and while it will further add to the complications of my relationships, I think in the end it will be better for me. I wish I knew how to stop being so selfless all the time. Maybe I'm not selfless and it just appears that way. I fucking confuse myself so much.
Anywayyyyy, I've decided that I've got to get away from the people that make me feel so worthless and start surrounding myself with the ones that give me hope that I'm not a bad person. This week just spending time with Sean Ward/Katie and Joe Benzon made me really really happy, then last night with Vicky and Donald. Great great people.
I've been thinking that if I have any extra money I want to get a sweet tattoo of one of my favorite things ever, and it will definitely make me out to be an even bigger nerd.
It's snowing, and I'm not loving it. I do have to say though, I've always hated this weather but it's fucking beautiful outside.
I put on a tank top and shorts to make it seem more like summer. I feel like shit though. fuck I hate my fat face. I need to get back to the gym. I also need to start a new sleep pattern. Maybe I will finish the Metamorphosis tonight since Brandon gave it to me like a two months ago.
I was supposed to see Bayside tonight, but I can't even make it to Hazle St. and back safely.
BUT April 18 NFG/Bayside/Verse!

playlist tonight-
the Smiths
Pomegranates
Russian Circles
Dillinger 4
Placebo
Elliott Smith