lonely ones

So, I fuck up a lot, and I'm sorry. I fucked up a lot in the past, and I'm sorry for that, too.


I honestly have the best friends I could ask for right now. I have never felt so appreciated and loved. This summer ultimately was the best one I can ever remember, with the exception of feeling lonely and guilty and dealing with the worst breakup I hopefully will ever have. I am not over it, I probably won't be for a long time, but boy have I learned a lot in trying to deal with it.
I know loneliness very well as now when I try to sleep I shiver and I have no one to grab onto. It's weird living with someone for over two years and then poof one day you no longer have someone to shout goodnight to. For the sake of feeling a little less shitty, I will say it's both our faults. All my anger has seeped out of me, and now I just feel sorta hollow.
I don't believe I am ready to "date" again. I think it would be selfish of me to try to have a serious relationship with someone. I might end up moving soon, who knows. It just sucks because I want to have that special connection again someday. I could kick myself for being impatient. I went all summer being okay with not having that, but now that fall's approaching, all these memories come rushing back to me. Last fall was something strange. Things got better, but essentially they got worse. MAKES SENSE RIGHT? I can't really explain it.
I'd get a dog but I don't even have a residence.

To make matters worse, there are dudes with stupid crushes on me and it doesn't even phase me. I just know the connection isn't there. I don't sincerely believe that physical attraction and having things in common are the sole basis for a relationship. It's a gut feeling. but hey, since I welcome disappointment ever so kindly, it doesn't
really
fucking
matter.


Speaking of hearing things about me, Brandon wrote a new song about his new girlfriend and about how I suck pretty much. It made me feel terrible. I know everyone that hears it will just think I am the worst human being alive. Why am I not mad? because it's mostly truth he speaks, and because I REALLY want him to be happy and have a fulfulling life. I know that I couldn't give him what he wanted and if he has happiness now, I'm really psyched for him. I hear this girl is really nice and really pretty and he needs that. I just wish everything wasn't so one sided.

I realize I'm just a dorky fucking little girl who gets excited over dumb things and hangs out with lots of dudes and is agnostic and straight edge and eats a lot of fruit and doesn't like to wash my clothesand can't really sing well. eharmony gold.

as for happy news, a bunch of friends bands got added to THE FEST and I am going to be there for it which is seriously going to rule.
Dave Aon and Sean and I are starting to write sad songs together this week. Also, my other band with Jaekob and Kenny is hopefully coming to shape as well. I need these things to keep me occupied. P.S. I need a new job because mine blows and I am poor.
I wish I could hang out in Philly and go to shows I want to see and do things that won't get me yelled at.


Love,
Sara G.