no news, old shoes

holy hell I hardly know you but I have a crush on you. Distance will forever be a factor in my voyage for love. I'm both eager and skeptical. I never really thought I'd be in the situation I am in right now. A million dudes like me as in some want to just bang and most want to marry me. It's pretty bizarre. I just don't connect with them even if they are awesome. I have met the most amazing people and yet NOTHING. I also really enjoyed spending last year being a single gal and just doing whatever I felt like, but seriously when I see people who are REALLY in love, I get so jealous and sorta depressed. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the new and old friends I have and my family and all the wonderful things in my life, but I find myself longing to feel that fantastic feeling of being loved and appreciated.
There's also this problem where I'm afraid if I do get involved with someone it will be like before where the person is sorta possessive and doesn't want me hanging out with all my guy friends. There's no fucking chance I am going to change the way I live for someone else ever again. That was complete bullshit and I lost too many friends and cried too many tears.
Yesterday when I saw Brandon I didn't have "old feelings rushing back" or anything like that, but I do know I realize I miss the very little bit of companionship we once shared. We both fucked up, and it wasn't meant to be. I'm over it. This whole other thing with hanging out with Graham...he's a great dude. I care for him. We don't connect. That's all there is to it. What sucks is he said, "you have the biggest heart of anyone I know. This isn't your fault at all. You've been nothing but awesome."
He respects me. He likes me. I like him. We don't work. really way too awkward anyway.
Now I have come to understand that a lot of amazing people end up with shitty partners who treat them like crap. I have been victim of this before, so of course I understand how it happens, but it sucks to know that these people are taken for granted. I seriously would do the cutest and most awesome things for someone I love. fuck. I should end this rant.